Early Morning Workouts...SUCK!

They say working out early in the morning is good because it helps simulate the time you will be getting up and ready race morning.  If that's the case then I am going to be a train wreck next Sunday. 

So, got up at 0415 after sleeping...oh...2 hours fully.  Raining out so I threw on some warm clothes, shouldered my backpack and went to the car.  The short drive to the gym was uneventful.  I checked in and went to the spin room to jump on a bike.  That's when it began to show that I was out of it. 

First, I had a UFC match with my backpack straps much like Snoopy fought the lawn chair in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special (jelly beans for dinner...brilliant!)  I digress.  Anyway, after winning my bout by a narrow margin I threw my opponent to the floor.  Took of my hat and jacket and..."What the "BEEP!"  "How did my tri suit get under my clothes?!!"  "Dammit!  Where are my underwear then?!" A shake of the head and a heavy sigh later I take off my pants, set the bike and put my water bottle in the cage...ok, acutally I tried putting it in the damn foot strap of the pedal!  GRRRRR!  I stand up, give my self a neurological stroke test to make sure I am ok and climb aboard.  "ARRRRRG" I put my UGGs back on!  Tri suit and UGGs...hot.  NOT!   Whoa, whoa...don't be haters.  UGGs are warm and toasty despite their appearance. 

Finally, FINALLY I get my ride going.  Going for an hour.  15 minutes in, go to take some fluid...SPLOOSH...the lid on the water bottle is not on all the way and I get drenched with Gatorade.  Great.  Keep going anyway.  40 minutes in I am feeling pretty good for the exception of my hands being sticky.  So sticky that I open my hand up and my ipod doesn't fall! 

With 15 minutes left the unthinkable happens.  A young woman mounts a bike in front of me, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!  There are 50 bikes and nobody else in the room!  I know, some might say "Ooooo, van Luen, she was trying to show off for you."  Well, you would think differently after what happens next. 

10 minutes away from being done I am pedaling and all of a sudden I feel a subtle but noticeable breeze...a whisp if you will.  For a second I wonder "Did a fan get turned on?"  Then, out of NOWHERE this pungent odor invades my nares.  I mean, blink a couple of times, shake your head kind of pungent.  Thrown off by what my senses are experiencing my first thought was "Oh my, are we near a sulfur factory?"  "Did I leave an old container of Muscle Milk in my bag that is rotting?"  "OH  NO!  It's Al-Qaeda!"  After this brief, 10-20 second thought process I realized what or who the culprit was. 

The smell dissipates quickly, I shake it off, not judgemental.  Like I said before we all have our moments.  Until I was getting off my bike.  I took my ear buds out.  I was bending over to wipe up the floor when I noticed something strange in this girls cadence, it wasn't regular anymore.  I looked just in time to catch her get out of her seat, lean to her left and on the upward pedal stroke on her right side she opened up her leg and....FART!  Ok, it wasn't "FART".  I just can't describe the sound!  It was a hybrid sound of tearing paper and when you rub your hands over a balloon.  This time I was overcome by the smell of Fritos and wheatgrass!   I...could....not....believe... it! 

I policed up my stuff double quick and as I was leaving I turned to the Phantom Frito Farter cuz I had to give a "What the hell?" look.  She didn't look at me but I saw her face.  She was almost in tears trying not to laugh.  OMG, she had been planning this all along!!!  Sitting at home eating Frito pies and drinking Jamba Juice to unleash on some poor, unsuspecting soul.  Of course the tri suit and UGGs...easy target.  AHHHH!  Anyway, I changed into my swim gear (in the locker room) put on my swim cap, goggles on my head and jumped into the pool.  Mmmm, nice warm pool.  I reach up to pull my goggles down.  DAMMIT!  My sunglasses!  I hate morning workouts.